Relationships are more than just finding someone to love and spending your time together. It takes work to make them work, and it’s up to both partners to keep things going smoothly. Do the right things, and you’ll be able to have a happy, loving relationship that lasts well into old age; but do the wrong things, and even the best relationships will go downhill quickly. In order to make your relationship work, it’s important to know what you should do and what you shouldn’t do! There’s plenty of advice out there on how to make your relationship work, but it often assumes that you and your partner are acting in good faith and trying to communicate effectively with each other. Sometimes, however, you may find yourself in a situation where you’re not getting along as well as you should, or where the spark has gone out of your relationship completely and you can’t find a way to reignite it. If you believe there is potential to revive your love below are some Do’s and Don’ts to pay attention to in your relationship.
Turn off Your Phone
Whether you’re dating someone or married, your cell phone can get in the way of your relationship. If you constantly check texts, emails, or social media updates instead of spending time with your loved one—it could lead to resentment. Turn off your device when you go out on a date or set aside a specific time each day for checking messages. Otherwise, it’ll just be too tempting to spend more time doing that than talking about what’s really important. Plus, find ways for technology (like FaceTime) to help strengthen those bonds between loved ones by sharing experiences together even when you’re apart. You’ve probably heard of technoference, which is that sense you get when you can tell your partner is distracted because they’re on their phone, even if they’re in the same room as you. This can be a problem when it comes to physical intimacy, but don’t blame technology. Instead, try practicing more responsive communication. Instead of always texting or calling your partner back right away—especially if they’re demanding something from you—try setting aside time each day (even if it’s just 10 minutes) when you won’t answer texts or calls.
Date nights should be about quality time
Quality time goes beyond just putting aside your phone or computer. It’s about devoting all of your attention to your partner and doing something you know he or she will enjoy. When it comes down to it, remember that relationships are still about quality time. That’s why date nights are so important—it doesn’t matter what you do as long as you’re both there, present in each other’s company for an extended period of time (but don’t forget about keeping things fun with shared hobbies).
Create a long term plan
A lot of people think they can work on their relationship issues a little at a time. But that’s not effective. In fact, doing so is counterproductive because it doesn’t address underlying problems or enable both partners to understand what they need out of each other. Instead, you should create goals for yourself as a couple and take action right away. If your partner isn’t willing or able to participate, it may be time for some honest discussions about where things stand in your relationship. This process might bring up some uncomfortable topics, but addressing them head-on is necessary if you want your relationship—and future together—to thrive.
Let go of expectations
High expectations make for unhappy relationships. When we’re not happy with our partner, it’s only natural to hope that he or she will change in order for us to be happier. Unfortunately, research suggests that we tend to get more upset when they don’t meet our expectations. To avoid a broken heart, focus on what you do have rather than what your partner doesn’t give you—and remember that actions speak louder than words (even I love you). Also, keep in mind that being single can teach us valuable lessons about self-reliance and independence; if an unhealthy relationship is preventing you from growing as a person, consider stepping back for your own well-being.
Don’t sweat the small stuff
Whether your partner is getting ready for a night out with friends or choosing to spend an extra hour in bed, it’s easy to get frustrated when something doesn’t go according to plan. But in order for a relationship to work, both partners have to choose compromise over control. If you want to make your relationship work, it’s important that you let go of your need for control and truly listen when your partner feels upset about something. Remember that every little thing doesn’t actually matter — so instead of questioning why your partner couldn’t just do what you wanted, consider how you can use their desire for flexibility as an opportunity for deeper understanding.
In a healthy relationship, minor problems can be worked out with simple communication. But there is a difference between small things (someone leaving their socks on your side of the bed), medium things (someone taking you for granted), and big things (infidelity). If something you’re having trouble with doesn’t seem fixable, it might be time to reevaluate whether your relationship is worth salvaging. Remember: If they don’t have respect for you, they don’t have love for you. Sometimes communication really is impossible. For example, if one partner has a personality disorder that makes them unable to discuss problems or listen when spoken to, then that’s an issue that needs outside help—not therapy—to resolve.
Building trust
One of the biggest hurdles in a relationship is establishing trust. After all, you’re committing your time, energy, money, thoughts, emotions—everything—to someone else. If you don’t trust that person on some level, what are you doing? You can’t work together effectively if there’s no trust. To establish trust in your relationship with your partner, try keeping an open dialogue about communication issues as they come up. Address these issues head-on instead of letting them fester. Honesty will go a long way toward developing an atmosphere of mutual trust and understanding within your relationship.
Establishing trust is vital to a relationship’s success. So how do you build it? For starters, keep your promises, be honest in all that you say, and make it clear that you are capable of seeing others’ perspectives. Studies have shown that couples who spend more time talking about their positive experiences report higher levels of trust than those who spend more time talking about their negative experiences. If both partners can successfully communicate gratitude for what they like about each other, researchers say they are also more likely to have a solid foundation for trust. They call these small moments of connection or SMOC for short.
Know when to hold on, and when to let go
Relationships don’t last forever but that doesn’t mean they have an expiration date. There will be times when you question whether your relationship is worth all of your time, energy, love, and care, but in order for your relationship to work, it has to be a give-and-take between both partners. Both people in a relationship must be willing to compromise when necessary; if one person tries to take charge, then relationships often crash and burn quickly. Remember: Partnerships are all about cooperation . . . not competition.
How do you know when a relationship is worth fighting for? There are plenty of signs that can help you figure it out. For instance, if your partner is consistently meeting your needs in all three categories (emotional, physical, and sexual), then chances are good that you’re with someone who wants to work on things. If not, however, then it might be time to cut ties. Getting out of a difficult relationship is never easy but neither is having your heart broken when things go sour. And really, there’s nothing worse than putting yourself through pain over and over again just because things will get better. If they won’t … it’s best to cut ties now before they get even worse.
Learn from each other
No one knows everything about what it takes to make a relationship work, so when there are issues in your relationship, it’s important for both partners to share information on what they think could help. In a good relationship, you should never feel afraid of approaching your partner with ideas or suggestions. Try not to blame either of you; instead, be open-minded and think about ways you can overcome problems together. If you take turns expressing your thoughts—and listening actively as well—you’ll move toward a deeper understanding of each other. This is one way to know if your relationship will stand the test of time; just remember that no matter how challenging things may seem at times, all relationships go through ups and downs.