What not to do when your partner doesn’t want to talk about what’s bothering him or her

Everyone wants to be heard when they feel like something’s wrong. But not everyone knows how to go about getting what they want, and that can lead to all sorts of problems in relationships—especially in marriages, which can already be stressful enough. If you’re trying to get your husband to open up, you need to make sure that you’re not inadvertently making things worse or coming across as insensitive or careless.
Don’t Force the Issue
If your husband isn’t opening up on his own, it’s tempting to try and draw it out of him. But don’t corner him and try to force an issue that he really isn’t ready or willing to discuss. When men are given time, they will always come around in their own way. Give it time—it might seem like forever but if you can be patient, you will reap rewards in new knowledge and understanding of each other. Forcing a conversation is never a good idea because it just pushes things down and can even cause resentment; waiting until they are ready will result in much better conversations.
Acknowledge His Feelings
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and they won’t acknowledge that they are angry or upset? It can be exhausting and make you feel like you’re on eggshells. If you feel like your husband is acting in a way that says he is upset, but he keeps insisting that he isn’t, don’t try and convince him otherwise. Instead, empathize with his position.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
When a man comes home from work and says nothing, it’s frustrating for his partner because she wants—needs—to know how he feels. But asking questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no is pointless. Instead, try asking open-ended questions, like How was your day? Don’t ask: Did you have a good day at work? Instead say: You look tired; did you have a busy day at work today? Ask question after question until you get to something that is important to her or his emotional well-being.
Be Patient and Give Him Space
Men aren’t always great at communicating their feelings, especially if they feel like that communication is one-sided. Just because he isn’t vocalizing his concerns, however, doesn’t mean he isn’t feeling them. When it comes down to it, there are three things that can make it difficult for a man to open up: a lack of trust in you (or anyone), fear of judgment and fear of change. Men who don’t feel like their partner understands them may have even more trouble expressing themselves, particularly if they don’t see a way out of whatever situation is causing them distress.
Don’t Take it Personally
If your husband is struggling with something but isn’t sharing, it may be tempting to take it personally. I did something wrong, you might think, or Something’s wrong with our relationship. In reality, though, it’s more likely that there’s nothing wrong at all. It may help to consider how you would react if a close friend were upset and didn’t tell you about it. Would you assume that everything was okay in her life? Probably not. You’d wonder why she was upset—and try to help in some way. Being empathetic towards your husband can only strengthen your relationship and make things easier for both of you down the road.
Offer Empathy Instead of Judgment
It’s hard to be supportive if you don’t know how your partner is feeling. Offer empathy instead of judgment, which will help him or her open up more. However, in addition to just saying I understand, make sure you really listen. If she says she feels lonely even though you two are together all day, take that at face value and ask more questions—not only because it will help you better understand her situation but also because those little conversations may help start conversations down the road. For example, you could say something like That sounds rough; I bet we can think of ways around that! Just remember that there’s no quick fix—and giving unsolicited advice probably won’t go over well. When people are upset, they need someone who can show genuine empathy. We may think we’re being helpful by offering advice or judgment, but these things can actually push our partner away. So if he is unhappy with his job, instead of saying you should leave that job or you shouldn’t be unhappy about that—the rest of us have real problems in life! try I’m so sorry you feel bad at work. Is there anything I can do? Do you want to go out for dinner tonight? I would love a break from cooking too. Chances are, you’ve been in a similar situation at some point. It’s hard enough to open up with our closest loved ones, but it’s even harder if they don’t offer their support. Don’t be that person for your husband or wife! Let them know that you care about them and understand how difficult it is for them to communicate with their thoughts and feelings. Tell them that no matter how hard it is for you, it will only get better if they come forward—and you’ll be there every step of the way.