Why do men always get defensive when we argue?

June 22, 2024

Arguments are normal and healthy part of any relationship, but too often, the man in the relationship will get defensive and even hostile when his partner starts an argument with him. Why do men react this way? Most people say it’s because they can’t handle hearing their partner express her feelings or opinions. However, there’s more to it than that, and if you want to be able to stop arguments before they begin, you should understand what makes men defensive and how you can help him keep from getting this way next time you argue.

Being on the defense means you’re ready to fight
it doesn’t take much for a little disagreement to go from a minor spat to an all-out knock-down, drag-out war. If your boyfriend starts sounding like he’s on defense mode, stop talking and listen. What you say next can make or break your relationship—he might be so focused on feeling like he needs to defend himself that if you admit fault first, he may stop his defensiveness right in its tracks. Be careful though—it can be easy to accidentally slide into defense mode yourself while trying to defend him. Remember that it is better to let someone else fight their own battles; focusing too much attention on fighting for them will detract from your time together and create distance between you two.

What triggers defensiveness
Defensiveness is triggered when your partner feels attacked. Whether it’s a subtle dig or a major insult, defensiveness tells you that your partner feels insecure. What you say and how you say it can have a huge impact on how your partner reacts. For example, if someone is really sensitive about their weight, saying something like Hey! You look great! Have you lost weight? is almost guaranteed to set them off. Save those compliments for later; at least until they’ve calmed down.

Recognizing defensiveness
Men and women tend to approach arguments in different ways. Men are more likely to react defensively during an argument, especially when they feel they’re being challenged or criticized; a perceived slight can have serious consequences for his ego. It’s important to understand that defensiveness is a normal reaction and that many times there’s nothing you can say or do in response that will immediately alleviate it. A man who is feeling particularly threatened by your criticism might not hear anything else you have to say. By holding your tongue and waiting until he calms down, you’ll probably find it easier to resolve whatever caused him to become defensive in the first place.

And what if they never change?
Once you realize that your partner is never going to change, what can you do about it? Well, you have two choices: You can decide that you are going to deal with things until they force you to leave (in other words, accept their behavior and try to move on), or decide to leave them (i.e., detach). It’s important that you don’t go through life constantly deciding whether or not a person is worth your time. It’s better if instead of picking and choosing who deserves your effort and love, you instead give everyone in your life a fair chance by keeping an open mind. When someone makes mistakes—and people will make many mistakes over time—take responsibility for your share of fault in any relationship problems that arise. The problem with getting worked up over someone else’s passive aggressive behavior is that it puts you in a very vulnerable position. Because on some level, you’re trying to fix them. You’re working hard to make them understand your point of view and therefore change their behavior. I’m not saying that isn’t noble, but you don’t want to be in a position where you are trying to change someone else; they need to change themselves. Passive aggressive people will never change their behavior—they enjoy feeling like they’ve one-upped somebody—so why bother trying to control them?

How can women help men stop being defensive?
Women can help their significant others stop being so sensitive and defensive by talking to them in an open, non-judgmental way. The best way to broach sensitive topics is by remaining calm, logical and empathetic. You don’t want to make your partner feel like he has done something wrong, but you also don’t want him to think you are trying to control him or that his feelings are invalid. It’s important for women not to be too sympathetic because it will only reinforce his behavior of getting defensive easily. The more distance a man feels between himself and his partner, the more likely he is going to become defensive again in similar situations. Start each conversation from a place of caring about your partner’s feelings instead of blaming him for being difficult.

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